Bipolar Energy

It's a comedy though, so of course it won't win the "real" awards

That snide subline was in reference to the Oscar 2024 nominations. The only reason I looked was to see the Barbie additions. But it seems to still be generally understood in the community that comedies never win the real awards. There are a ton of award shows that rich people go to, so comedies I’m sure are more prevalent in the other award shows? meh, who cares. They can win the new award for box office scores, the movies that appease the simpletons who can’t understand the nuanced subtleties in true film. I hope I’m Just Ken wins Best Song anyways. I’ll check out the streaming services if he actually performs it. Can’t sit through the insufferable speeches

So yeah I’m Bipolar, so what. Tons of people are and live productive lives. My neuroses finally have a name I guess. Not an excuse just nice to know I’m not the only one that has intense emotions and bouts of anxiety or depression or mania or whatever. I feel stressed all the time. It’s just what makes me me apparently. About what? Now I have a job where I do feel my supervisor has my back. I never had that before. Never. So that is really nice. They need me. They want me to succeed and not burn out. That is a first.

Can’t help but feel like a fraud all the time. Like I am not good enough for my job. But why? I have the qualifications and the knowledge. It takes time to get a good flow going. I’m still learning how I do this job. I’m always wondering if I will be found out and exposed for the loser I really am. The unstable hothead who loves drugs. Ha. I have been feeling weird physically lately. I need to watch my sodium and blood pressure. I need to exercise more. My airbed is causing pain in my neck, shoulders and back and it is truly aggravating and inconvenient. I wasn’t even taking any advil or tylenol. It’s like I forgot I have headache pills that can help with aches and inflammation. So weird. I took some today though, finally. My diaphragm feels like it is bent in half sometimes, maybe that is the airbed folding me, since it loses air every fucking night, probably in an hour. I think I’m going to order one of those beds in a box for a temporary fix.

But lately my head and my stomach feel weird. Head feels foggy. Maybe I’m getting used to my increased medication, I don’t know. Here it’s damn impossible to talk to someone one on one about medication. It’s all over the dumb telehealth now. I live in the sticks up in southwest Washington. Am I lonely? Sure. But I think it’s the same amount of loneliness I’ve always had. Doesn’t feel like a special loneliness. That word looks weird. Should I be helping people with their neuroses when I’m still struggling with mine? It normalizes feelings. Shows not everyone is “better”. I don’t know. I was picked. So maybe I need to stop talking shit about my ability and just prove I can do it.

When I moved to Washington, I got my driver license and said yes I want to register to vote. I got my voter card in two days, before my driver license, then a couple days later I got a mail in ballot and information on the upcoming local election. Isn’t that awesome? It is how it should be everywhere. In Kansas, I basically had to send them a blood sample to get registered to vote. I had to send them a picture of my passport I remember, despite having an ID already. Gee I wonder who is trying to suppress voters?

I’m getting sick of people saying “it’s not that bad”. It’s said from a standpoint of privilege. I have a home, I have family, I would never be homeless. My family would help me out if I needed medications, healthcare, food, etc. That’s privilege. So people who don’t have it, yes it is that bad. And it is actually WORSE. People are out there suffering. Rent has skyrocketed, I can barely afford a place. No one can afford rent right now. Working class people are slaving away and still can’t afford all their basic needs. In the USA basic needs are not a right. They are a privilege. It’s so typical. A woman posted something about needing to change our system. Need to stop systematically killing people, everyone should have basic needs, that kind of thing. The comments (Almost all men by the way) were filled with snide vitriol. Things so unnecessary, so uncalled for. Just assuming she’s some dumb “woke” Gen Z. And so what if she is? Instead of starting dialogue, they attack her. It’s sick. And this is on a progressive news/blog site. So what the fuck? What if she was a teen? A young adult? A struggling person in poverty? And she instantly is cyber bullied. Cyberbullying did not exist “back in the day”. If someone tells me “back in my dad” one more fucking time. Back in your day, 13-year-olds didn’t have computers in their hand and didn’t have porn addictions. We are going to have an increase in these sort of things. Addiction to screens, video games. Average high school senior looks at phone for 6 hours a day. Horrifying. When I still bothered with social media, before being banned from ticktok and twatter, I posted something about trump’s controversies, including the several women he has raped and sexually assaulted. THe comments I received. Was in my 30s. People telling me “don’t worry no one would ever rape you” or “I’ll kill your cats”. Wow. It disturbed me and what if I had been a young kid? Or a young adult dealing with depression or a teen. It’s sick. These things didn’t exist “back in the day”. “Back in the day” I could have owned a home, car and paid for college with my job and have no debt. Not even remotely possible now.

“Self made” is a hoax. Yes, I know, some people truly are. But when you think about self made you always have to ask did they have resources? Not just money. Did they have business or political connections? Daddy got you an internship with some bigwig in a multimillion company, then you start a business, and that makes you self made? Spare me. One of the Jenners called herself self made. Wow. Don’t make me laugh. I don’t know why it is so hard for people, especially white people, to accept their privilege, own it, use it, it’s not that fucking hard. You aren’t special, you are not a snowflake. Basic needs are not a guarantee for anyone, even new babies. That’s a privilege. It’s a privilege to have good parents and not be abused. Because unfortunately not getting abused is not the “normal”. The nuclear family isn’t the “normal”.

Why is woke a bad word? If woke means you want equality AND equity, then I’m fucking woke. Whatever. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. You could have golden bootstraps. Or bootstraps with extra flair. Not all born equal. Not at all.

I have to fly soon. Because if I drive it’ll use up 72 hours of my trip. I have been flying since 1985 and I’ve hated flying since 1985. I’d love to never fly again.

Why Flying Sucks